Kindergarten Cop » Quotes (Movie)

kid: He's a caca-poopoo

Detective John Kimble: (banging on fire bell) Yes, this is fire drill! Come on!
Detective John Kimble: (looks down at stopwatch) Aww! This is terrible!

Detective John Kimble: You should be reading stories about bears that go shopping!

Assistant to Schlowski: (as they watch a helpless Kimble trying to get control of the kids) Aren't you going to break them up?
Miss Schlowski: No, two more days of this, then he'll quit!

Eleanor Crisp: (Eleanor Crisp enters locker room, where she finds and unloads Kimble's gun, and also finds her dead son's bullet-ridden body and Kimble slumped and bleeding on floor against the shower wall) Where's my grandson?
Detective John Kimble: (gasping) I don't know!
Eleanor Crisp: (Eleanor fires gun into wall, just inches above Kimble's head, hissing) Where's... my... grandson?
Detective John Kimble: (gasping continues) Go to hell!
Eleanor Crisp: That's exactly where you're going, you son of a bitch!
(moves towards Kimble and taking aim with pistol, suddenly accosted by an injured and bat-wielding Phoebe, who strikes her in the shoulder and knocks her to the floor)
Phoebe: You're not so tough without your car, are you?

Phoebe: (advising Kimble on how to be a teacher) Look, you've got to treat this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
Detective John Kimble: (looks at her a moment then nods) No fear.
Phoebe: No fear.

Emma: (during Who is Your Daddy game) My daddy works on a computer all day, and is the head of his company and he, um, he has a moustache and a beard, and he-he doesn't have a lot of hair, and cuz-um, since his head is so big, he can't wear any hats.

(after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed)
Phoebe O'Hara: How'd it go?
Detective John Kimble: Go away.
Phoebe O'Hara: That well, huh?
Detective John Kimble: You take over tomorrow.
Phoebe O'Hara: And blow our cover? Can't do it.
Detective John Kimble: They're horrible. They're like little terrorists.
Phoebe O'Hara: Tell me about it.

Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Miss O'Hara, had to go somewhere.
Dominic: Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
Lowell: Did she die?
Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
Lowell: Did they die?
Miss Schlowski: *No*, Lowell.
Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.

Cullen Crisp: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.

Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble?
Detective John Kimble: No, I'm not.
(Joshua sticks his head into the hallway)
Joshua: (shouts) He's not married, Mom!

(to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat)
Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here.
(he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other)
Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
(he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back, wide-eyed)

Detective John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down.
Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
Detective John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet!
Emma: (softly) I'm not policeman, I'm princess.
Detective John Kimble: TAKE IT BACK!
Emma: (miserable) All right.

Phoebe: Well, what are you going to do? Handcuff her to the bumper of your car and take her for a ride?
Detective John Kimble: Let's just say I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner.

Danny: Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp.
Cullen Crisp: (shoots him) You're not?