Hogfather » Quotes (TV Movie)

Susan: Would you be any good in a fight?
Bilious: Yes, I could be sick on people.

Death: I have made this for you.
(hands Susan a damp cardboard square)
Susan: Oh, thank you. What is it?
Death: Albert said there ought to be snow on it, but it appears to have melted. It is, of course, a Hogswatch card.
Susan: Oh.
Death: There should have been a robin on it as well, but I had considerable difficulty in getting it to stay on.
Susan: Ah.
Death: It was not at all cooperative.
Susan: Really?
Death: It did not seem to get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.

(Susan is reading the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" to the children)
Susan: And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no-one asks inconvenient questions.

Susan: You were the kind of little boy who looked up doll's dresses.
Teatime: ...I didn't...!

(Twyla thinks she has heard a strange noise from the cellar and asks Susan to investigate. Susan goes into the cellar brandishing a poker, while Twyla and her parents watch from outside the door. Banging noises are heard)
Twyla: (proudly) You don't have to worry. She always wins.
(Susan emerges with a bent poker)
Twyla: Susan says "Don't get afraid - get angry".

(Lord Downey is reviewing a previous assassination contract that Teatime carried out for him)
Lord Downey: You nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.
Teatime: I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.
Lord Downey: Some people would have drugged it.
Teatime: (mystified) Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.
Lord Downey: Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.
Teatime: That was all right, wasn't it, sir?
Lord Downey: It lacked... elegance.
Teatime: I thank you, sir. I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.

(Death confronts the Auditors, who have taken the shape of dogs to get to Susan and the Hogfather)
Death: You couldn't resist it in the end? A mistake, I fancy. It gets under your skin, life. Speaking metaphorically, of course. And you see, the more you struggle for every moment, the more alive you stay... which is where I come in, as a matter of fact.
Auditor 1: (changes to its original shape) You can't do this, there are rules!
(gets turned back into a dog)
Death: Yes. There are rules. But you broke them. How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? And now there remains only one final question. Have you been naughty... or nice?
(the dogs plunge down a cliff)
Death: Ho. Ho. Ho.

Death: You might very well think that I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

(the Auditors have just commissioned Lord Downey, Master of the Guild of Assassins, to "inhume" the Hogfather)
Lord Downey: He would be difficult to find.
Auditor 1: You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address.
Lord Downey: Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference. Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed? A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
Auditor 1: You misunderstand the nature of employment.
Lord Downey: How do I misunderstand you exactly?
Auditor 1: We pay. You find the ways and means.
Lord Downey: How can I contact you?
Auditor 1: (ominously) We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where *everyone* is.

Death: (Death, standing in for the Hogfather, has come down a narrow chimney and is trapped inside a cast-iron stove) This is really, really stupid.

Susan: Now... tell me...
Death: What would have happened if you hadn't saved him?
Susan: Yes.
Death: The sun would not have risen.
Susan: Then what would have happened?
Death: A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world.
Susan: All right, I'm not stupid. You're saying that humans need fantasies to make life bearable.
Death: No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
Susan: With tooth fairies? Hogfathers?
Death: Yes. As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies.
Susan: So we can believe the big ones?
Death: Yes. Justice, mercy, duty. That sort of thing.
Susan: They're not the same at all!
Death: You think so? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and THEN show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet... you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world. As if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
Susan: But people have got to believe that, or what's the point?
Death: You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?
(they both watch the sun rise)

Lord Downey: Mr Teatime, you have actually applied yourself to study of ways of killing Death?
Teatime: Only as a hobby, sir.
Lord Downey: But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.
Teatime: Everyone has a weak point, sir.

Susan: Grandad? Happy Hogswatch.
Death: Happy Hogswatch. And good night, children... everywhere.

Death: (half-heartedly) Ho, ho, ho.
Albert: No, no, no! You've got put a bit more life in it, sir... Er, no offence intended. You've got to do a big fat laugh, sir. You've got to sound like you're pissing brandy and you're crapping plum pudding, sir... if you'll pardon my Klatchian.

Susan: I don't remember them asking for anything that makes a noise.
Death: Oh, there has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise. Otherwise, what is 4:30AM for?