Monty Python's Flying Circus » Quotes (TV Show)

Mr Mousebender: And I thought to myself, "A little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
Henry Wenslydale: Come again?
Mr Mousebender: I want to buy some cheese.
Henry Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
Mr Mousebender: Certainly not. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
Henry Wenslydale: Sorry?
Mr Mousebender: (in a silly Northern accent) Ooh, I like a nice dance - you're forced to.

Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Mrs. Pim: You look like a milkman to me.
Milkman: (ticks a box on his clipboard) Good, I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that. Well done.
Mrs. Pim: Go away.
Milkman: Now then, madam, I'm going to show you three numbers and I want you to tell me if you notice any similarity between them.
(holds up a card with the number "3' on it three times)
Mrs. Pim: They're all number three.
Milkman: No. Try again.
Mrs. Pim: They're *all* number three?
Milkman: No. They're *all* number three.
(writes)
Milkman: Right. Now, I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes into yout head. How many pints do you want?
Mrs. Pim: Er... three?
Milkman: Yoghurt?
Mrs. Pim: Er... no.
Milkman: Cream?
Mrs. Pim: No.
Milkman: Eggs?
Mrs. Pim: No.
Milkman: (writes) Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupledwith acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
Mrs. Pim: You *are* a bloody milkman!
Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.
Mrs. Pim: I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!
Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag! If you don't mind my saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say that a trip down to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.
Mrs. Pim: All right... but how am I going to get home?
Milkman: I'll run you there and back in my psychiatrist's float.
Mrs. Pim: ...All right.

Customer: Hello? I wish to register a complaint. Hello, miss?
Pet Shop Owner: (coming up from the desk) What do you mean, "miss"?
Customer: I'm sorry, I have a cold.

Mr Mousebender: Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
Henry Wenslydale: Yes, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Really?
Henry Wenslydale: No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.
Henry Wenslydale: Right-o then.
(Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead)
Mr Mousebender: What a senseless waste of human life.

Mr Mousebender: Tell me, do you have any cheese at all?
Henry Wenslydale: Yes.
Mr Mousebender: Now I'm going to ask you the same question again, and if you say "No", I'm going to shot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?
Henry Wenslydale: (contemplates) Um, no.
Mr Mousebender: (shots Henry Wenslydale through the head) What a senseless waste of human life.

An Art Critic: (Repeated line) What a Terrible Joke!
Carol Cleveland: (Crying) But its my only line!

High Court Offical: (first juror is imitating a fish swimming) Bird?
Lawyer: Swimmer!
High Court Offical: Breast stroke!
Prosecuting Counsel: Brian Phelps!
High Court Offical: No, no, no! He was a diver!
Lawyer: Esther Williams, then!
High Court Offical: No, no! Don't be silly! How can you find someone *not* Esther Williams?

Mr. Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Um, is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr. Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr. Vibrating: I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr. Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you I did.
Man: You did not.
Mr. Vibrating: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing quite clear. I most definitely told you.

Chief Superintendent Lookout: (Inspector Tiger has been murdered) This house is surrounded. I must ask that no-one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper: Lookout?
Chief Superintendent Lookout: (jumps) What, where? Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper: Why, what would we see?
Chief Superintendent Lookout: I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper: What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Chief Superintendent Lookout: ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Aha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one.
(starts laughing)
Chief Superintendent Lookout: Lookout of the Yard! Very good. Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights.
(lights out)
Chief Superintendent Lookout: Good. Now then, there was a scream, aaahhhhhhhhhh! Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
(a shot, lights on. Lookout has an arrow through his neck, poison in his lap, and bullet in his head)
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer: All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistnat Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
All: Theresamanbehindyer?
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer: Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right, let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Policeman: Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall. Take the tablets Tigerbody.
(clapping from the others)
Policeman: Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself.
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer: Good, very good. Just sit down there. Right, now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream.
(constable screams)
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer: Somebody shoots you...
(shoots constable point-blank)
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer: and the door opens...
Chief Constable Fire: Nobody move. I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All: Fire?
Chief Constable Fire: (jumps) Where? Where?

BBC Interviewer: The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this expedition is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir, John, hello there.
Vice-Admiral Sir John Cunningham: Ah, hello. Well, first of all I'd like to apologize for the behaviour of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority... and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find tooth marks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is *right out*.

Alan: Well last week, we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on "How to Do It" we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Hello, Jackie.
Jackie: Well, first of all, become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.
Alan: Thanks, Jackie, great idea. How to play the flute.
(produces a flute)
Alan: Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.
Noel: Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So until next week, cheerio!
All: Bye!

Ludovic: ('The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?') Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.
Mr Ian Throat: Good evening.
Ludovic: The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.
Sir Abe Sappenheim: Good evening.
Ludovic: The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.
Lord Kinwoodie: Hello.
Ludovic: And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.
Mr Patrick Loone: Hello.
Ludovic: Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?
Mr Ian Throat: Yes.
Ludovic: Francis?
Lord Kinwoodie: No.
Ludovic: Sir Abe?
Sir Abe Sappenheim: Yes.
Ludovic: Patrick?
Mr Patrick Loone: No.
Ludovic: Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's "Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.

Announcer: You probably noticed that I didn't say, "And now for something completely different," just now. This is simply because, I am unable to appear in the show this week. Sorry to interrupt.

(repeated line)
Spiny Norman: Dinsdale?

Interviewer: Good evening. Tonight I have with me Mr. Norman St. John Polevaulter who, for the last few years, has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?
Norman St. John Polevaulter: I don't!
Interviewer: But... You told me that you did.
Norman St. John Polevaulter: I most certainly did not!
Interviewer: (comprehending) Oh! I see. I'll start again.
Norman St. John Polevaulter: No, you won't.
Interviewer: Shh! I understand you *don't* contradict people.
Norman St. John Polevaulter: Yes, I do!
Interviewer: And when *didn't* you start contradicting them?
Norman St. John Polevaulter: I did! In 1952.
Interviewer: 1952?
Norman St. John Polevaulter: 1947!
Interviewer: 23 years ago.
Norman St. John Polevaulter: No!