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Carl Peterson: And this whole Lance Armstrong thing... Dupree: You leave Lance out of this! He's doing more with one testicle than you and I could do with three!

Molly Peterson: I don't know, I have a hard time imagining Audrey Hepburn getting buttered up to "Funky Cold Medina." Dupree: Really? I don't.

Dupree: (riding off on his bike) I'll be fine. (almost immediately is knocked off by a car)

Lance Armstrong: (Very last lines after the credits) (Having just read Depree's book and breaking the forth wall) Lance Armstrong: Lanceness Lance... ness? Lancennneeesss LanceNess

Toshi: But Mr. Dupree, I don't pplay baseball. I'm in the orchestra. Randy Dupree: First, call me Dupree. Second, so what if you're in the orchestra? So was Catfish Hunter.

Neil: Don't tell me you want the porn back because you can't have it! Why is it all Asian?

Carl Peterson: (Carl is rubbing Molly's feet) You have the most beautiful toes, have I ever told you that? And I'm not even a foot guy.
Molly Peterson: Are you concentrating on the game? Or are you lusting at the feet of your soon-to-be wife?

Dupree: I'm throwing seven different kinds of smoke!

Dupree: There really aren't any more Audrey Hepburn's out there, are there?

Dupree: Listen, if I got to be the lovable fuckup all my life to win your best friend prize, maybe you should keep your award.
Carl Peterson: I got news for you Dupree. You're not that lovable.

Carl Peterson: What's with this "Carlness?" It's not even a real word.
Dupree: Yes it is.
Carl Peterson: Oh, it is?
Dupree: It's a verb. It's a conjunction. A preposition. It's a philosophy. A way of life. It's your name with "ness" attached to it.

Dupree: (riding off on his bike) I'll be fine.
(almost immediately is knocked off by a car)

Carl Peterson: Everybody knows that your father, when he likes somebody, he invites them out on a little fishing trip. Fact: I've never been invited fishing. Not once.
Molly Peterson: You hate fishing.
Carl Peterson: He doesn't know that.

Molly Peterson: When did we get HBO?
Dupree: Yeah, you saw that. I upgraded us, and I'm going to go halfsies on it 'cause I love it also.

Carl Peterson: Why don't you watch it in your house?
Neil: Because I can't have friends over on weeknights and you know that.

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