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The Phantom: Okay, okay, okay! What you want, huh? Salim: I want muchentuchen restaurant chain. The Phantom: No. Salim: But if I tell, you no have chain anyway. The Phantom: So, you not give any incentive. Salim: Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen". The Phantom: No. Salim: Twenty-five percent. The Phantom: No. Salim: I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court. The Phantom: Okay. Salim: I get profits from store. The Phantom: No. Salim: Some profits. The Phantom: No. Salim: I get free yogurt when I come to store. The Phantom: Okay. Within reason. Salim: And... I want some of your wives. The Phantom: How many wives you want? Salim: Twenty. The Phantom: No. Salim: I sleep with one wife. The Phantom: No. Salim: She give one pee-pee touch. The Phantom: Okay.

Exec 1: What's 'humus'? Exec 2: It's a very tasty diarrhoea-like substance.

Zohan: (the limo passenger is battered about as Zohan hits warp-factor 10 speeding through the streets) Don't worry! I will lose them! Limousine Passenger: Nobody's following us!

Zohan: (Zohan approaches apprehensive-looking young kid sitting in Barber chair) Young man! Look what I have found here, a nice balloon. Do you want it? (hands kid balloon) Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular man, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this. (kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat) Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...

Zohan: Unbelievable! This enema gets to live his dream...!

Zohan: So let's go.

Dalia: Zohan! He has a bomb... and puppies! Zohan: No! James: Imma blow up this whole block, Imma blow you up, Imma blow up these puppies! And we all gone' go to hell together, cause I hate these puppies!

Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch. Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?

Michael: What are you? Bionic? Zohan: No, I only like the ladies.

Zohan: I only be stiff for you.

Salim: (to the two women riding his cab) You are a stupid cow!

(Zohan shows Gail the gel that was thrown at the salon; Gail tastes the gel) Gail: Oh, that's Neosporin! I use it on cuts and on genital sores.

Gail: Usually he's harder than trigonometry.

Claude: It's not that big. Zohan: No, not that. The bush, is biggest you ever seen, right?

Zohan: I just want to make people silky-smooth!

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