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Joe Hackett: One minute we were smackin' each other with meat, then it got weird.

Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex: Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...

Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.

Helen: Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy Biggins: No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.

Roy Biggins: Roy Biggins doesn't pay for sex. Roy Biggins Inc. pays for sex.

Roy Biggins: Forget it. I'm not... , I'm not in the mood.
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: YOU?

Antonio: (to Helen who is coming towards him menacingly) Don't make me use my pepper spray.

Lowell Mather: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.

Brian Hackett: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.

Roy Biggins: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.

Joe Hackett: Lowell, where you going?
Lowell Mather: Oh, to clear my mind.
Roy Biggins: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.

Helen: (Helen is leaving Lowell in charge of the restaurant counter as she heads out of work early) You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?
Lowell Mather: Aw, yeah. Don't you worry about a thing; you just go off and have a wonderful time. Where are you going, anyway?
Helen: Uh, I would really rather not say.
Lowell Mather: Aw, come on.
Helen: Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my OB/GYN.
Lowell Mather: Fine, be that way. I'm having dinner with my M-o-m-m-y.

Antonio: (after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand) What's with the Dolly?
Joe Hackett: The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio: So there's nothing physically wrong with you
(then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone)
Antonio: You're just a nut case.
Joe Hackett: (In an angry provoked tone) Look I'm not...
Helen: Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
(after a two second pause)
Helen: Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!

(hitting on Helen at the lunch counter)
Lewis Blanchard: Ya know, I have a video camera that shoots in the dark.
Helen: Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.

Lowell Mather: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
Roy Biggins: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.

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