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Alan Harper: (they are just about to sleep) You want to watch porn first? Charlie: No! Alan Harper: Why not? Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

Alan Harper: (repeated line, whenever he's stressed out) I-I-I-I-I...

Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch! Jake Harper: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that. Alan Harper: Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME! Jake Harper: I have my doubts, dad.

Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper? Charlie: That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

Alan Harper: (Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll") You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

(repeated line) Charlie: What the hell are you doing?

(repeated line) Various characters: Rat bastard!

Alan Harper: (when his receptionist keeps staring at him) Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

Charlie: (checking through his contact list) Hookers, hookers, hookers...

(repeated line) Berta: (whenever she sees a big mess being made) I ain't cleaning that up!

Charlie: (to Jake) It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. (Jake looks at him with disdain) Charlie: Wow, I *do* suck.

(repeated line) Mia: (whenever Charlie says something outrageous) Are you out of your freaking mind?

(repeated line) Charlie: Get out.

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