(Ralph is surprised to learn that Alice wants to go roller-skating and he doesn't exactly like that idea) Ralph: Let's face it, Alice, we've been out of the age range of roller-skating since Alf Landon stopped being presidential timber.
(the Kramdens have received a letter from their mother, saying she is coming for a short visit. Ralph thinks it's his mother-in-law) Ralph: (to Alice) Alice, your mother isn't setting one foot in this house. Not one foot or we'll never get rid of her! Alice: Ralph, it just said she was just coming for a *short* visit. Ralph: Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!
Ralph: You're the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I wouldn't. Alice: You couldn't.
(Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition) Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to have nothing to do with you. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side. Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!
Alice: Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism". Ralph: I'll spell it. (pauses apprehensively) Ralph: I'll spell it! Alice: (waiting patiently) Well? Go ahead. Ralph: I'll spell it! (agitated) Ralph: I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it! Alice: (sarcastically) $16,000? I'll give you *$32,000* if you can SAY it!
(Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and sees Richard Puder) Richard Puder: Which one of you gentlemen is Kramden? Norton: He's Kramden, I'm clean.
(Ralph and Norton are talking about the Kramdens' new maid) Norton: Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show? Ralph: What maid? Norton: You know, that one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine. Is she like that? Ralph: No, she's not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub.
Ralph: (Talking about his mother-in-law) Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?
(repeated line) Ralph: A mere bag of shells.
(Norton recites the Captain Video Ranger pledge) Norton: I, Edward L. Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
Ed Norton: Well, let's face it, Ralph. You're not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know? It's pretty tough to get a guy something that, well, a guy that's got everything.
Ed Norton: (reading from a script as he helps Ralph rehearse) I do not possess a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies. Ralph: I'm glad to hea-... a string of poloponies? Where do you see that? Ed Norton: (pointing) Right there... a string of poloponies Ralph: That's a string of *polo ponies*!
Alice: So, how's your plumbing? Norton: Still broken. I never thought I'd work eight hours in a sewer and come home wanting to see water!
Ed Norton: Poor little pizza, ain't good for nothin'.
Ralph: Do you want my salary to leak out? Alice: *Your* salary couldn't *drip* out.
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