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Samantha Bee: Lieberman is eager to campaign down South where, and this is a direct quote, "A soft-spoken New England Jew has the advantage."


Contributor, 'Back in Black': (after showing a commercial advocating President Bush) Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: "We had to take out Sadam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!"


Jon Stewart: John Ashcroft is teaching a class called "Leadership In Times Of Crisis", but his students don't know that he can detain you for several days without telling you why you're being detained.


Bill Donahue: Who really cares what Hollywood thinks? All these hacks come out there. Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general, and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate this movie. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the Messiah. Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children. They like abortions. I believe in traditional values and restraint. They believe in libertarianism. We have nothing in common.
Jon Stewart: What the fuck is this guy's problem?


Jon Stewart: Just a quick observation- when people do not want to play the blame game...
(shouts)
Jon Stewart: They're to blame.


Jon Stewart: Hey, listen, lady, Donald Rumsfeld is not on trial here! Hey, wait a second, why isn't Donald Rumsfeld on trial?


Jon Stewart: What do those drugs do, Rob?
Rob Corddry: Ask your doctor.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, what do they do?
Rob Corddry: Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.


Jon Stewart: Yes, it's a courageous move, releasing a pro-Jesus film in America. Very unusually bold.


Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.


Stephen Colbert: That's it for This Week In God. But before we go, let's check last week's collection plates! The Catholics are once again number one, no surprises there. The Baptists come in second, followed by the Methodists. Ooh, Scientology, I'll just check Variety. And finally, Jews for Jesus - buptkiss. But can you really put a price on offending two major religions at once?


(about an increase in college crime rates)
Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you take away Napster.


President Bush: Americans do not have to choose between a strong economy and a clean environment.
Jon Stewart: You'll get neither and like it!


Jon Stewart: (on proposed congressional funding for the "American Tobacco Trail") Here's everything you need to know about the American Tobacco Trail - it starts at slavery and ends at cancer.


Stephen Colbert: More and more pharmacists are refusing to fill birth control medication. For this guy, life begins when you first think about having sex.


Jon Stewart: 61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.


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