Jed Clampett: (bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a "golf egg") Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.
Dub Crick: (to his equally shiftless father Lafe Crick) I knew you'd be proud a' me... it's the most I ever stole.
Jed Clampett: (On Jethro's intelligence, or lack thereof) If brains was lard, that boy wouldn't have enough to grease a skillet.
Jed Clampett: (to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale) That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.
Milburn Drysdale: (dictating a letter to Miss Jane) ... and furthermore, if you are late on your mortgage payment one more time you will be thrown out into the street... Jane Hathaway: Chief, she's eighty-five years old and in a wheelchair! Milburn Drysdale: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... change that to read, you will be wheeled out into the street.
Jed Clampett: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice! Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!
Lafe Crick: Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls. Jethro: Well, that leaves out Essie Belle. She's about two girls and a HALF!
Female Bank Robber Masquerading As "Doublenaught Spy" Recruiter: We'll never find another... BRAIN... like his! Male Bank Robber Also Masquerading: He's a double-zero if I ever saw one.
Granny: How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it? Lowell Redlings Farquhar: (looking slightly nauseated) I'm really not hungry.
Widow Fenwick: (buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane) I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment. Jed Clampett: Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.
(to Jethro) Granny: And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?
Jed Clampett: (Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny) Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull. Granny: What? Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue. Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it! Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull. Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt? Jed Clampett: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself. Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it! Jed Clampett: This way, he can do both!
Jethro: (Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills) Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was! (Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story) Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie! Jed Clampett: (Disgusted) Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.
Jane Hathaway: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year. Milburn Drysdale: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off. Jane Hathaway: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus. Milburn Drysdale: I've already thought of that. Jane Hathaway: You have? Milburn Drysdale: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.' Jane Hathaway: But, Chief, that's extraordinary! Milburn Drysdale: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.
Milburn Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge? Jane Hathaway: No, why do you ask? Milburn Drysdale: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!
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