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Elaine Nardo: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you... when most people only die.


Louie De Palma: Hey, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your face, you sneeze, and your head explodes.


Louie De Palma: Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory!


(On boxing) "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.


"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: What did you win that trophy for? Alex Rieger: For making a fool of myself. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Why doesn't anyone tell me about contests like that?


Louie De Palma: Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!


Alex Rieger: Jim, when are you finally going to have some pride and stand up for yourself? "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: August!


"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: You know, you really need to clean up those bathrooms. Alex Rieger: You just came from the kitchen. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Thank God.


Bobby Wheeler: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes? "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Well, what did you decide?


Alex Rieger: I'm not really a cab driver. I'm just waiting for something better to come along. You know, like death.


Alex Rieger: Why'd you change your name to Ignatowski? "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Try saying it backwards. Bobby Wheeler: Ix-wah-tangy. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: That's nowhere near Starchild, is it?


(filling out a form) "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Eyes... Elaine Nardo: No, don't put two. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Oh, they mean color, don't they?


Louie De Palma: I know what love is cuz I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness!


"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.


Louie De Palma: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo? Alex Rieger: Yeah, two million years of evolution.


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