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Albert Steptoe: (Albert has placed 'bum' on the Scrabble board) My "bum" is the American word for 'tramp'.
Harold Steptoe: Well, that is where I've got you because you can't use any slang or colloquialisms!
Albert Steptoe: Right then, I'll stick to me English "bum". And that's the part of your anatomy that swells out of the back of your trousers.


Harold Steptoe: You are morally, spiritually and physically a festering fly-blown heap of accumulated filth.


Albert Edward Ladysmith Steptoe: (looking at old newspapers) 'Ere, I remember this - Mussolini invades Albania - King Zog flees.
Harold Steptoe: That's nothing mate, we got King Size fleas here!


Harold Steptoe: You are a dyed-in-the-wool, fascist, reactionary, squalid little, 'know your place', 'don't rise above yourself', 'don't get out of your hole' - complacent little turd.


(repeated line)
Harold Steptoe: You dirty old man!


Harold Steptoe: (trying to convince Albert to change the channel of the partitioned TV set) We had an agreement, we shook hands. I have got the law of contract on my side.
Albert Edward Ladysmith Steptoe: I have the knobs on my side.


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