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Harper: I'm so sorry. I got here so early that I thought had time to dick around then I went to that gift shop, then I lost track of time and suddenly I was late. Charlie: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That is not a real thing. Harper: Yes it is. It's the over-dick-around thing. I over-dicked it.

Charlie: Don't pee, don't zone out, don't sneeze. Just cover his phones and try not to exist.

Harper: All I care about is that I'm not still an assistant when I'm 28 years old. That's when it gets really sad. Charlie: I'm 28. Harper: Oh my God, I'm so sorry. For you. That's very sad for you.

Frank: Paying student athletes is such a hot button issue at the moment, you couldn't back off a little bit? I mean, you're implying we're getting rich off the backs of poor kids. Kirsten: We're not implying it, we're proving it. Your AD bought a 2-million dollar boat last year and your star player is on food stamps.

Creepy Tim: People call me Creepy Tim? (pause) Creepy Tim: I love it.

Harper: When my mom was my age, she had me. I've never even had a boyfriend. Charlie: But you're like, a grown up. Harper: Take that back.

Harper: Guys think that they like girls who like sports. What they actually like is a girl in a very tight sports jersey, serving them wings and getting the terminology wrong. Guys like girls who like guys who like sports.

Harper: (describing Kirsten and Rick) One is a stunningly beautiful woman with dark hair and a fierceness that's both scary and inspiring. The other's a guy.

Duncan: Okay technically, this time, I did have a guy over.

(Harper and Charlie are climbing up a fire escape and Charlie is carrying a pizza) Harper: Are you okay? Charlie: I'm fine. Harper: No, I'm talking to my pizza.

Suze: This is where Kim threw Kanye's half-birthday party.

Kirsten: A lot of men proposed to me in my twenties. I could be thrice divorced by now.

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