Saturday Night Live » Quotes (TV Show)

Dennis Miller: (singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow.") I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
(smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son")
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
(turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers)
Dennis Miller: (swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World") Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
(makes guitar sound)
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!

George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Marty Culp: Bobbi and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot.

Kevin Nealon: (after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update") Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.

Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

(on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown)
Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Medical Reporter: (singing) Everybody doesn't like something; but nobody doesn't like... orgasms. For years it was thought that there was only one type of orgasm; however, thanks to research and our new found friend Mr. G-Spot, scientists have been able to identify several different types of orgasms. For example, people who have sex in sports cars experience Four-on-the-Floorgasms. Women who have sex with a few good men have Marine Corpsgasms; while Lou Grant experienced Mary Tyler Mooregasms. Mrs. Abraham Lincoln often had Four Scoregasms. Newlyweds often have Lets-do-it-'til-we're soregasms, while married couples later have I've-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms. Incidentally, women who are still having trouble reaching orgasm should call this man.
(Shows picture)
Medical Reporter: His name is Tim Kazurinsky and he is available at any time to help you with this problem.
Brad Hall: Wait a minute. This is the worst thing you have ever done. Go, just leave.

Mister Robinson: Do you know what these are, boys and girls? These are drums. Do you know where drums come from? They come from Africa.
(Sits down, begins playing and singing)
Mister Robinson: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...
(phone rings)
Mister Robinson: This is how you answer a phone in my neighborhood. WHAT IS IT? LOUD? NAH, THAT AIN'T LOUD; THIS IS LOUD!
(Blows a whistle into the phone, sits down and begins playing the drums again)
Mister Robinson: .
Mr. T.: (Beating on the door) Robinson! Robinson! I told you to stop beatin' them drums!
Mister Robinson: That's my new neighbor, boys and girls. But, don't worry, I put a new lock on the door. He can't get in hear.
(Starts playing the drums again)
Mr. T.: (Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck) Hello, boys and girls; the word for today, 'pain'.
(to Mr. Robinson)
Mr. T.: Sing the song.
Mister Robinson: (singing) A very happy tomorrow to you.
Mr. T.: (choking Robinson) Good night, boys and girls.

("Weekend Update" closing line)
Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
(She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife)
Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
(She suddenly drops the knife )
Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
(Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken)
Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
(She holds her apron over her hand)
Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
(Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen)
Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
(Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere)
Julia Child: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
(picks up the chicken liver)
Julia Child: Remember not to throw away the liver!
(Blood gushes over the chicken liver)
Julia Child: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
(She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand)
Julia Child: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
(the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy)
Julia Child: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
(She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up)
Julia Child: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
(She looks at her phone )
Julia Child: This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
(She tries to dial the number, but can't)
Julia Child: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
(She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy)
Julia Child: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
(She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience)
Julia Child: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
(She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time)
Julia Child: Save the liver!
(She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying)

Kevin Nealon: (adding onto a report on the Weekend Update) ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.

Dennis Miller: (picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle) What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it.
(laughter and applause, some ooohs)
Dennis Miller: (turns to camera) Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy.
(laughs)

Amy Poehler: (On Weekend Update) USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.

Tyrone Green: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!

Regis Philbin: We went to this little restuarant on the upper east side call Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means...
Kathy Lee Gifford: (makes hand motions) "Affection".
Regis Philbin: No, no, it's actually "abundance".
Kathy Lee Gifford: Oh, ok. "Abundance".
(makes another hand motion)
Regis Philbin: And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?"
Kathy Lee Gifford: (starts jumping up and down in the seat) Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say?
Regis Philbin: I, I just told you what Gail said.