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Selsdon: (forgetting his lines) A line? A prompt?
All: (shouting) Get the van loaded!


Dotty: Now I've lost the newspaper!
(exits)
Lloyd: Sardines!
Gary: (to Brooke) I'm sorry about this.
Brooke: (to Gary) That's all right. We don't want the television, do we?
Lloyd: SARDINES!
Dotty: (re-entering) I forgot the sardines.


Lloyd: Nothing could have prepared us for the final horror: Cleveland!


Brooke: You can't even get the door open.
(and, in fact, Gary can't)
Lloyd: (distant) Hold it.
Frederick: (entering with Belinda) Yes, but this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
Lloyd: (a little louder) Hold it!
Frederick: We've got the place entirely to ourselves.
Belinda: Look at it.
Lloyd: (Freddy tries to close the door but can't) HOLD IT!
(they continue to try to open or close their respective doors)
Lloyd: And God said HOLD IT!
(they stop)
Lloyd: And they held it. And God saw that it was TERRIBLE!
Gary: Sorry, folks. The door won't open.
Belinda: Sorry, folks, this door won't close.
Lloyd: And God said, "POPPY!"
Frederick: Sorry folks, am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.
Belinda: Freddy, darling, you're doing it perfectly.
Frederick: As long as it wasn't me that broke it.
Lloyd: (Poppy comes on stage) ... And there was Poppy. And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors."


Poppy: Well, I'm sorry, but, you've got to hear, because I'm... PREGNANT!
(pause)
Lloyd: And curtain!


Frederick: Alright, I see all that.
Lloyd: Oh no.
Frederick: I just don't know why I take them.
Lloyd: Freddy love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot go out of the front door holding two plates of sardines? I mean, I-I'm not getting at you, love.
Gary: Course not, Lloyd. I mean, why do I? I mean, Jesus, when you come to think about it, why *do* I?
Lloyd: Who knows?
Gary: Who knows. You see, Freddy?
Lloyd: The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. Maybe something happened to you when you were a very, very, very small child that made you frightened to let go of groceries.
Belinda: Or it could be genetic.
Gary: Yes, or it could be... you know.
Lloyd: Could-could well be.
Frederick: Of course, thank you. I understand all that, but...
Lloyd: Freddy love, I'm telling you I don't know. I-I don't think the *author* knows. I don't know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don't know why any of us came into it.
Frederick: All the same, if you could just give me a reason I could keep in my mind.
Lloyd: Alright, I'll give you a reason then. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddy honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night - Correction. Before we open TONIGHT!


(Dotty, completely distracted, now has the phone cord wrapped around her and an empty plate in her hands. The sardines lie on the floor next to her)
Dotty: ...not in Spain, they're next to the... study, in the phone! Squire, Squire, Hackem an'... hold on!
(She drops the receiver, which dangles from her neck. She looks around)
Dotty: I'm going to do something wrong here.
(She looks at the empty plate)
Dotty: Oh yes! Oh yes, always the *same*, innit? Soon as you got too much on your *plate,* there you go puttin' your foot in it, and...
(she walks right onto the sardines on the floor)
Dotty: Oh, speak of the devil! They go puttin' their foot in it now, won't they? Well, we'll take care o' that:
(She unfolds the newspaper to lay on top of the sardines)
Dotty: I'll just put that there. Look, see? That'll keep 'em out of 'arm's way.
(picks up the empty plate and begins to exit, dragging the phone by the chord that's still wrapped around her)
Dotty: What I'm holdin' now I don't know. And off I go at last!
(she spins as she leaves to untangle the phone cord)


Lloyd: I'm just God, Belinda, love. I'm just the one with the English degree. I don't *know* anything.


Lloyd: I'm not running away. I'm just not the kind of person who gets a kick out of watching an automobile crash, particularly when it's my automobile! It's gonna be the worst catastrophe Broadway has ever seen. They're gonna forget their lines, the set will fall down. None of us will get out of New York alive; they've got big pictures of us in the lobby. I'll get on a plane. I should've got on a plane when we first opened in Des Moines! I should've got on a plane *before* we opened in Des Moines! I should've got on a plane at the dress rehearsal! As soon as that curtain went up at the beginning of act one! As soon as that damn phone rang and Dotty came on with that first plate of sardines!


Lloyd: (Barging in from the house) What the *fuck* is going on?
Belinda: Lloyd!
Frederick: Holy cow!
Poppy: I didn't know you were here.
Lloyd: I'm not. I'm in New York. But I can't sit out there and listen to two minutes, three minutes, one minute, two minutes!
Belinda: Lloyd! We're having big dramas back here!
Lloyd: We're having big dramas out *there!* This is a matinee, Love! There are senior citizens out there! "The curtain will rise in three minutes," we all start for the gents! "The curtain will rise in one minute," we all start running out again! We don't know which way we're going!


Dotty: Am I in Spain? No I'm not in Spain, dear, I'm in agony, that's where I am!


Lloyd: What's the line, Freddy?
Frederick: (with glue on his pants) I've heard of people getting stuck with the problem...
Lloyd: *stuck* with the problem.
Frederick: *stuck* with the problem?
Lloyd: *stuck* with the problem.
Frederick: I've heard of people getting *stuck* with the problem, but this is ridiculous!


(first lines)
Usher: Curtains going up! Curtains going... up! Curtains going up!
Lloyd: (voiceover) A big Broadway opening. Everybody who's anybody in New York is inside this theater tonight. Everybody but one man. This man - ME!


Dotty: (referring to the fact that Tim is taking Freddy's place because Freddy slipped on some sardines backstage) You haven't hurt himself, have you?


Dotty: And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.
Lloyd: You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone.
Dotty: Yes, right. I hang up the phone.
Lloyd: And you leave the sardines.
Dotty: I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: You leave the sardines.
Dotty: I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: Right!
Dotty: We've changed that, have we, dear?
Lloyd: No, dear...
Dotty: That's what I've always been doing?
Lloyd: I wouldn't say that, Dotty my precious.
Dotty: Well, how about the words, dear, am I getting some of them right?
Lloyd: Some of them have a very familiar ring.


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