Mrs. Doubtfire: (after turning the TV off and tossing the remote into the aquarium) Between the hours of 3 PM and 7 PM, I'm in charge. And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do *not* follow the schedule will be punished. Lydie: (glancing at Chris and Natalie) She's lying. She wouldn't punish us.
Daniel: (Defending his actions to the court, after it is revealed that is is Mrs. Doubtfire) In regards to my behaviour, I can only plead insanity. Because, ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. Once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart. And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day... It's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just... They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them. So, please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you. Judge: Mr. Hilliard, You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman, No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor, nothing more. Daniel: No. It's not that. Judge: The reality, Mr. Hilliard, is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs Hillard. Daniel: Oh, God, no! Judge: You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday. Daniel: Supervised, sir? Judge: A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned.
Daniel: (after Miranda walks in on his show's rehearsal) Welcome to Euphegenia's house. A little draughty but... you know. It's nicee. What can I do for you? Miranda: First of all, congratulations on the show. Daniel: Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal Miranda: We've... The kids... We've been watching every day. Daniel: It's nice to know they can see me every day. Miranda: Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and all the horrible things we said to each other.It's... It's so hard. But I know somehow you and I will be all right and we'll get through this. Daniel: But the kids... Miranda: I don't wanna hurt our children. Daniel: (With emotion) So what do you want me to do? You want me to pretend everything's all right? Put on a happy face? Smile? Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me! I can only see them now with supervision. Some woman watches me with the kids like I'm some sort of deviant. If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why. You know what that's like? You just sat there in that courtroom and let that judge pass that despicable sentence! Miranda: I was angry! Daniel: Oh, God! Miranda: You hurt me, too! Daniel: You ripped my heart out! Miranda: You lied... You know what? I don't wanna do this any more.
Natalie: We're his goddamn kids too.
Daniel: The newspaper? Ah. Are you taking one-of-those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B & D?
Lydie: Alright, freeze, or you're gonna get it. Chris: In the balls. Lydie: Yeah. (to Chris) Lydie: She's got everything? Chris: Everything. Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen and listen good, I'm not who you think I am. Chris: Yeah, no shit. Daniel: (returns to his regular voice) Watch your mouth, young man!
Daniel: (with German Accent) Yes my name Elsa Emmermuff and I want to know how many children do you have? Miranda: I have two girls and a boy. Daniel: Ah a boy. I don't work with the males because I used to be one. Miranda: (hangs up) Yikes!
Daniel: (as Mr. Rogers) Hello boys and girls, today we're going to talk about dinosaurs. It's a dinosaurs line! (sings fanfair) Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King. (hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex) Daniel: Hey thank you, I'm going to make you lunch, thank you. Okay now put your claws together for James Brontosaurus! Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada, it tastes good, dad dada no meat, big feat, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on! Now it's time for the Raptor rap. Yo I'm a Raptor doing what I can gonna eat everything till the appereance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living bellow the soil, I'll be back but I'm coming as oil!
Mrs. Doubtfire: (on the show) Oh a visitor! Who can it be and do we have enough time? (opens the door and finds the mailman) Mrs. Doubtfire: Look kids, it's Mister Sprinkles.
Jonathan Lundy: (after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff) Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend? Daniel: Hey, it is the 90's!
Jonathan Lundy: Daniel? Daniel: Hmm? Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing ladies' perfume? Daniel: Yes I am. Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing lipstick? Daniel: Yeah. Jonathan Lundy: Why? Daniel: (trying to think of an excuse) ... Girl I used to date, on the way to the bathroom, couldn't keep her hands off me.
Daniel: In the name of Porky Pig, Ya-ba-deeb-a-deeb-a-deeb-a-dee, piss off, Lou.
Daniel: (rapping and playing with Dinosaur toys) I'm a Raptor, Doin' what I can, gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo baby I'm livin' below the soil, I'll be back but i'm comin' as oil
Maitre D': Smoking or non-smoking? Stu: Non-smoking. Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I must look like a yeti in this getup!
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