Jon Stewart » Quotes

(on his role in "The Daily Show" (1996)): Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. (March 2003).

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. (7 Nov. 2002).

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

(on why he loves "The Daily Show" (1996)): It saves me from sitting at home in my underwear screaming at the television set. If I didn't do this show I'd be the crazy guy at the bar sitting at the corner screaming "He doesn't know shit about what he's talking about!" That's the reason I do it. (January, 2003).

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

(on Tucker Carlson and his show): You may have heard that I went onto a TV show on CNN called "Crossfire" (1982), which I suppose is a debate show named after the stray bullets that strike and kill innocent bystanders during a gang fight. I said some pretty nasty things, most notably that their show was destroying America, and that he was a dick. He replied to me by saying, "You're not being funny." I then said, "I know that, but on Monday I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."

(on being picked to host the 78th Annual Academy Awards): As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.