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I have like fifteen televisions in my house.


There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.


Almost every week, someone's mad at me.


I don't know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We're just trying to take back the medium we invented!


I only get unusual ailments.


That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.


I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.


It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.


I'm a terrible golfer.


"I don't really need to be dirty to be funny." - Jimmy Kimmel


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