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I get paid for what most kids get punished for.


A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.


Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.


Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!


I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.


People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.


I've had great success being a total idiot.


When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.


The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television and you're going to have very, very fine, natural children.


We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place.


I think I really wanted to write my biography more to be able to mention that (John F. Kennedy) and I were friends than anything else.


I'm a multi-faceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. I have an IQ of 190 -- that's supposed to be a genius. People don't like that. My answer to all my critics is simple: I like me. I like what I've become. I'm proud of what I've achieved, and I don't really believe I've scratched the surface yet.


(2000) I don't like any female comedians. Seeing a woman in comedy sets me back a bit . . . I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies into the world.


Going unnoticed has never been my strong suit.


(looking back on more than 60 years in show business) I was about as discreet as a ... bull taking a piss in your living room.


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