How I Met Your Mother » Quotes (TV Show)

(repeated line) Ted: (whenever Marshall and Lily talk about having sex) Please don't.

Barney: Moist. (repeated during Barney's play to get back at Lily)

Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl? Barney: Ohhh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty!

Ted: So, who are we picking up? Barney: I dunno... her? Or maybe her... Ted: Wait, so when you said we were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant we were going to *pick someone up* at the airport? Barney: Yeah... Ted: You're kidding! Barney: False!

Barney: What's that? Self five? Nice! We out!

Barney: What's that left hand? Right hand suck? Word!

Barney: It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!

Barney: It's gonna be legen... wait for it... dary!

Barney: Haaaaave you met Ted?

Marshall: A drumroll? So what? that's it? You just said good night, went home and... performed the drum solo?

Lily: (Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia) Oh, hell. No! (grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia) Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes. Barney: (confused) Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles? Lily: (pause, thinks about it) One of each!

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you? Not Moby: Who? Ted: The recording artist, Moby. Not Moby: Oh, no. Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here? Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony. Ted: So your name's Tony? Not Moby: No.

Marshall: I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time! (there is an awkward silence) Marshall: OK, that came out wrong.

Barney: Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be *legendary*. Phone-five! (slaps cell-phone) Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you? (pause) Barney: I know when you don't phone-five Ted.

Lily: Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?