Home Improvement » Quotes (TV Show)

Randy: (Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board) Melonology?
Brad: The study of melons.
Randy: There is no such thing as melonology.
Brad: Oh yeah? Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out!
Randy: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?

(the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring)
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Heidi: Nervous about being on Tool Time Brad?
Brad: A-a little
Heidi: Here'a a trick I used when I was new: just picture everyone in their underwear.
Brad: (stares at Heidi) I don't think that's going to help.

Wilson: I think you should know Tim, I'm a Bi-athlete.
Tim: Hey, whatever you do behind closed doors is your business.

Jill: (Discussion's Jill's upcoming job interview) Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night!
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "NO!"
Jill: (evil smile) You're thinking of *tonight.*

Tim: (discussing the what-ifs of Tim losing his job for refusing to promote a bad tool) 30 weeks isn't that long!
Jill: Well, I'd have two options, see, you'd stay home and do the laundry, and then I'd get the pool boy!
(Tim starts to fake cry)
Jill: (sympathetically) Oh, now honey, I would never trade you for anyone.
(they kiss)
Jill: Unless I could get a pool boy who did the laundry.

Tim: (Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away) Crying won't bring him back!
Al: That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!
(starts to cry)
Tim: Come on, pull it together, will you, Al?
Al: Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while!
Tim: (customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard) It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!

Tim: (Tim catches Randy and Brad up late watching a horror movie) Wow, he's coming after those teens with a McCulloch 10-10S chainsaw; a damn fine choice. Nice job, ghoul!

(while taping an episode of "Tool Time")
Al: Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!

Jill: So how was your date with Lauren?
Randy: Oh, great! We went on another lovely afternoon date. First we went to the afternoon movie where the theater was full of old people who sat there explaining the movie to each other, and then we went to a restaurant full of old people who kept saying, "Does this fish have bones? I hate bones!"

Jill: No, I'm not happy. My oldest son is heartbroken, and my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash!

Tim: Hello, everyone, I'm Tim "The Blues Man" Taylor. and of course, you all know my assistant Al "The Reason I Got the Blues" Borland.

Tim: Heidi, my fire-starting device please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Very high-tech, it's a *stick*!

Tim: Hello, everyone. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant "He eats, therefore he is" Al Borland.

Tim: I've got a good one for you: How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood?
Wilson: (as he's cutting firewood) He could cut a quarter of a cord of conifer if you gave him a quarter for every cord he cut.