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Carl Johnson: (Fighting) Toe to toe, fool!

WCTR Imaging Voice: You're leaving Area 53. Check your Rectum.

(2 cops are busting a man for possession of drugs, planted in his car by CJ. One is arresting him, the other is searching the trunk) Cop 1: You find anything in there? Cop 2: Find anything? He's got half of Mexico in here!

Carl Johnson: (If CJ is fat while taking money from someone) I'm going to spend this on a good meal.

Pedestrian: (after seeing a person get run over) Did you orgasm before death came?

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Breaking news! Was Moses really from Ohio?

(Madd Dogg is threatening to jump off a window ledge) Elvis Impersonator: Jump! Look what dying did for my career!

Carl Johnson: (Fat CJ accepting coffee) Got anything to eat to?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: I got with them motherfuckers though, showed them niggaz who's gangsta. Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ryder, nigga!

Carl Johnson: (explaining why he hates swimming) When I was swimming in the ocean once when I was young, I got a condom stuck to my face.

Pedestrian: (to CJ) Do you shower in doo-doo?

Mike Toreno: You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it. Carl Johnson: That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news! Mike Toreno: Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

Carl Johnson: (jacking someone) It's the car of my dreams!

Sweet Johnson: (CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots) So who's the weird Brit? Carl Johnson: What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control. Sweet Johnson: What kinda problem? Carl Johnson: He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit. Sweet Johnson: What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov? Carl Johnson: (laughs) Yeah, regularly. Sweet Johnson: Spank the monkey? Carl Johnson: Yeah. Sweet Johnson: Take Palm-ela out? Carl Johnson: Quit it! (laughs) Sweet Johnson: Burp the worm? Carl Johnson: Enough, man!

Carl Johnson: (if a cop arrests him) Shit, glad I don't pay no taxes.

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