Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 7 (TV Show)

Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!

Peter Griffin: (posing as Britney Spears) How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake: Uh, sure, Britney.
(they kiss, and Peter transforms)
Justin Timberlake: Aaahh!
Peter Griffin: He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.

(Stewie and Brian in the mall)
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.
(Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked)
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
(Stewie walks back to Brian naked)
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
(Stewie starts counting the money)
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.

Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
(everyone drinks)
Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink)
Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
(Quagmire drinks)
Peter Griffin: (later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table) Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
(Quagmire drinks)
Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
(Quagmire drinks)
Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
(Quagmire drinks)
Glen Quagmire: (he passes out)
Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!

Glen Quagmire: (while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls) Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: (off the screen) Giggitty!

Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina: (on stage at a comedy club) You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
(no laughter)
Talking Vagina: Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...

Stewie Griffin: (shouts) Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.

(Peter is watching a movie)
Brian Griffin: (walks into the room) What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
(cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard)
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
(stops screaming)
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.

Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Peter Griffin: (trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up) It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
(takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants)
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious
(Peter takes off his shirt and pants too)
Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.

Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?

Brian Griffin: I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment...
(vomits)
Brian Griffin: and a stomach virus...
(falls off bar stool)
Brian Griffin: and an inner ear infection.

Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!