Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 6 (TV Show)

Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
(points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look)
Peter Griffin: (whispers) Maybe we should go now.
(Peter and Louis back away slowly)

Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

Interviewer: (Peter is at a job interview) So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin: (thinks) Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
(out loud)
Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er...
(sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son)
Peter Griffin: ... son?
(interviewer's shocked expression)

Cleveland: (as Mr. T)
(shouts)
Cleveland: I pity the fool!
(normal voice)
Cleveland: But I also suggest ways that he may better himself.

(Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him)
Peter Griffin: (looks down) I see you. Eh, eh, eh!

Stewie Griffin: Well, all's well that ends well, eh Brian?
Brian Griffin: You shot me in both legs and lit me on fire
Stewie Griffin: Oh c'mon! Well I guess you're right. Alright, I'll tell you what: you can take one free hit, okay?
Brian Griffin: Okay. But I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to take it.
Stewie Griffin: (scared, after a pause) What?

Jaws: Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
(eats the swimmers)
Jaws: . Yummy.

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be...”nice."

Peter Griffin: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!
Brian Griffin: Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin: Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin: ...Uh oh.
(a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house)
Drunk Driver: Congratulations!

Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don't know.
(shouts)
Stewie Griffin: Tom!
(quickly hides his head down beneath his newspaper, he then looks up)
Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.
(shouts)
Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!
(looks down)
Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.

Guy Handing Out Coupons: (to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken) Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, thank you, I don't trust giant chickens any more.
(goes to flashback)
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier: (looks at coupon) Oh, I'm sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin: (Peter looks at chicken outside) Son of a -
(jumps out window and tackles the chicken)

Peter Griffin: Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy: Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin: What the hell's your problem?
cheese guy: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Lois Griffin: (while Chris and Meg are fighting) If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris and Meg: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, kids, we're going to McDonalds.
(Lois glares at Peter)
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!