Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 5 (TV Show)

Prince Adam: (draws Sword of Power)
(shouts)
Prince Adam: I have the power!
(becomes He-Man)

Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hi ya, Joe.
Joe Swanson: Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up.
Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
(laughs)
Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin: (moans) Are you kidding? You could barrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose.
Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement.
(Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse)
Peter Griffin: (in Mickey Mouse voice) Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!

Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
(Gets up on couch)
Brian Griffin: (while Lois rubs his skull) Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspond: Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentiality dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
(thumping)
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
(thumping stops)
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
(takes sweater off, then sighs)
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
(laughs)
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the Black Weather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it ok first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! -Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Peter Griffin: (enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged) Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
(puts the tape into the VCR)
Peter Griffin: (on the video) Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
(cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. cuts to Peter laying on the ground)
Peter Griffin: (on the video) Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
(rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses)
Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out.

Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

(about Jessica Alba)
Don LaFontaine: If I were forty years younger I would plow that until next July.

Brian Griffin: I don't know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin: Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!
(runs to toilet)
Stewie Griffin: (shouts) You get a job!

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: (inside Lois' head) I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!

Glen Quagmire: (after lighting a cigarette) So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?

Chris Griffin: I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Peter Griffin: (in Sunday School with several children during story time) And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
(children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing)
Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
(children look horrified)

Cleveland: (seven hookers are sitting in Cleveland's living room) Okay Peter, that's it. You and five of those hookers get out!