Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 4 (TV Show)

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: (sarcastically) No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.

Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
(he hangs up the phone)
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!

Peter Griffin: (is reading very loudly while intoxicated) Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.
(he sees a cop)
Peter Griffin: Aww, crap.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin: (hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading) The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...
(crashes into a bookshelf)

Crackle: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop: You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle: You saved mine.
Crackle: (as he lifts his beer in a toast) Here's to Snap!
Pop: (they clink glasses) To Snap!

Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson: (Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues)

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

(riding a circus elephant)
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Stewie Griffin: (to ticket agent) Now listen to me...
(looks at agent's name tag)
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Manangua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal with no pickles. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!

Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
(Lois giggles)
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian Griffin: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home!
(she looks at the non-Griffins)
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're the fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
(cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed)
Franescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
(nasally laugh)
Lois Griffin: Oh, I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible, with the laughingstock in the town, and we lost our daughter!