Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 3 (TV Show)

(live hurricane report)
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!

Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don't want more sea men on your poop deck?

Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.

Glen Quagmire: (Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party) Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
(he leaves)
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?

Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin: That's Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.
(pauses)
Brian Griffin: (shouts) Wait a minute!

(Peter calls in sick to work)
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
(Peter gets caught by his boss)
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.

Lois Griffin: (Stewie has just seen his parents having sex) Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
(Lois leaves, Brian enters)
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
(Stewie nods)
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
(Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL)

Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.
(hands him plastic bags)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!
(tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit)
Stewie Griffin: That's right I'm going to do it!
(tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit)
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.

Stewie Griffin: (Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face) Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?

Lois Griffin: (Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death) You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child
(her grip starts to slip)
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

Stewie Griffin: You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
(hops on Brian's back)
Brian Griffin: Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin: I don't believe this.
Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail!

Peter Griffin: (shouting out the window) Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.

Adam West: (after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing") I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.