Family Guy (1999) Quotes » Page 2 (TV Show)

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Watch me shave.

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Diane's weight.

Stewie Griffin: (after making Brian smell his armpit) Tell me that's not Epic!

Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me.
(takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets)
Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.

Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
(a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word)
Peter Griffin: What? I can't say
(horn)
Peter Griffin: in my own
(horn)
Peter Griffin: house!
(horn)
Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
(horn)
Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
(horn)
Peter Griffin: my
(horn)
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
(horn)
Peter Griffin: a lubed up
(horn)
Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
(horn)
Peter Griffin: while you
(horn)
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
(horn)
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
(horn)
Peter Griffin: extension cord
(horn)
Peter Griffin: wetness
(horn)
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.

Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris Griffin: Liar!

FCC officer: (at a urinal) Two shakes, that's the limit.
Adam West: Why thank you, tinkle fairy.

Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!

Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.

Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
(makes a ship horn sound)
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!

(to Brian)
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.

Stewie Griffin: (in an Amsterdam hash bar) The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.

Lois Griffin: (referring to Peter) This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

(during a romantic dinner)
Lois Griffin: (seductively) You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.