Family Guy » Quotes (TV Show)

Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up. Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here? Stewie Griffin: (points a gun at Lois) Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years! Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun? Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago! (Stewie shoots Lois)

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl? Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.

Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS? Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?

Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!

Police Scanner: We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead. Brian Griffin: Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit? (Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert) Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs! Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album. Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love? Agent: Who? (Courtney Love looks down and grimaces)

Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. Stewie Griffin: What did you just say? Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing. Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. Stewie Griffin: (furiously kicks the seat in front of him) Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!

Stewie Griffin: (trying to get Brian's attention) Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls! (Stewie has written "poppycock")

Brian Griffin: Cut. Print. Gay.

Stewie Griffin: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

Peter Griffin: All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.

Glen Quagmire: Hey, Lois, wanna go out? Lois Griffin: Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet... (Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock) Glen Quagmire: Are you ready now?

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard. (Peter trips over a skateboard)