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Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class. Scott: Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy. (starts to type) Scott: Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal. Cooper: Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.


Cooper: What's the etiquette on boners? Do I role over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?


Jamie: (pulls out Frommer's guide book) And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun! Scott: You brought a guide book to a party? Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary? Cooper: You wanna see my balls?


(Cooper's ringtune goes off and it's 'Scotty Doesn't Know.') Cooper: Oh... that's me.


Scott: Excuse me. Mad Maynard: Hello boyo! Scott: So what the hell happened last night? Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much salsa!


(last lines)
Scott: (on the phone with Cooper and Jenny) Hold on, this must be my new roommate.
(Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there)
Cooper: (yelling over the phone) What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Scott: I just got your last email. What are you doing here?
Mieke: Going to college.
Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke: This one. Room 2-1-4.
Scott: How is this possible?
Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
(Scotty and Mieke kiss)
Cooper: (over the phone) Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
(Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out)
Cooper: Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!
Green Fairy: (Green Fairy appears) This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!
(makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away)


Scott: We're going to be couriers?
Cooper: Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.
Scott: Yeah?
Cooper: Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.


Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!


Robot Man: (in French) Ow! My robot balls! Error! Error! Error!


(Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie's shoulders)
Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing?
Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.
(massages harder)


Madame Vandersexxx: (Screams) On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
(the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix)
Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!
(Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room)
Cooper: (nervously) Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper: (grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off) Huh? What? Hey!
(the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches)
Cooper: (panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it) Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?


Hooligan: So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yarbles!
(laughs)
Cooper: Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing here.


Italian Guy at Vatican: This is one crazy Pope!


Scott: Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!


Cooper: Ha ha, look at Jamie's penis.


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