George Khan: You can't have this thing puttarrr. It no belong to you.
(Moorhouse and Earnest are distributing leaflets of Enoch Powell as George passes by)
Mr. Moorhouse: 'Ere, look, see? There's one of'em now. Got his bags packed for his way home, heh.
Earnest Moorhouse: (Respectfully) Salam Alekom, Mr. Khan.
Mr. Moorhouse: (Slaps Earnest over the head) Shut up, you little bastard!
Auntie Annie: They'll do anything for you Mrs/ Shah. Good Samaritans they are. Just like in the Bible.
(Abdul and Tariq approach a local nightclub)
Bouncer: All right, Tony, how ya goin' mate?
Tariq Khan: All right, Bazza?
Bouncer: Yeah, good to see ya. All right, in ya go.
Tariq Khan: Nice, mate.
Bouncer: (to Abdul) Where do you think you're going, smiler?
Tariq Khan: This is our kid, erm...
Abdul Khan: Arthur, me name's Arthur.
George Khan: I won't have my son looking like bastard hippie.
George Khan: ...when I come this country, I have no luggage. Today what I got?
Meenah Khan: You got a chip shop. dad.
George Khan: Right. Own bloody business, see.
Auntie Annie: Our Peter knows how far he can go before I knock him to Kingdom Come. And that's just my husband Mrs. Shah.
(Ella throws the Shahs out of the house)
George Khan: You bastard bitch. You bring shame on the family
Ella Khan: No, you should be ashamed, George. Because you're not interested in these kids being happy. You just want to prove to everybody what a great man you are. Because you're ashamed of me, George, and you're ashamed of our kids. And you won't even admit it.
(Heard by Mrs Shah from outside)
Meenah Khan: (Referring to the Shahs' daughters) Have you seen the state of them two. One of 'em's got a moustache like Dad.
Ella Khan: Kids eh. Were your two like that Mrs. Shah?
Mrs. Shah: (Sternly) No.
Priest: God Bless.
George Khan: Allah go with you.
Tariq Khan: (Watching Enoch Powell speaking on TV) We should have a whip round and get Dad repatriated.
(Saleem accidentally drops a fake vagina on Mrs. Shah's lap)
Mrs. Shah: This is an insult to me and my family! I will never allow my daughters to marry into this jungly family of half-breeds!
Ella Khan: Well, they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like them two monstrosities.
George Khan: Ella!
Ella Khan: Never mind "Ella". Who the frig do you think you are? You come in here, telling me that my house isn't good enough for your daughters? Well, your daughters aren't good enough for my sons, or my house, and if I hear another word against my family, I will stick that fanny over your bastard head!
(Mrs. Shah leaves without a word)
Mr. Shah: (to George) Your wife's a disgrace.
Ella Khan: Oh, go on, piss off! Go on, sling your bleedin' hook! Go on, piss off! Piss off out of my house! And take Laurel and Hardy with you!
(a lecherous dalmatian leaps onto Mrs. Shah)
Stella Moorhouse: Let's elope. That's soooo romantic.
Mr. Shah: (to George) You're wife's a disgrace.
(In the hospital following Sajid's circumcision)
George Khan: Tickle-Tackle all gone?
Doctor: (Puzzled) Circumcision was absolutely fine.
George Khan: You Indian?
Ella Khan: (whispering) George.
George Khan: (to Ella) Bastard Indian.
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