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You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.


I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.


I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.


I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.


I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.


It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.


I'm a late-night guy.


Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!


I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.


Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.


I get so into the moment.


If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.


I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.


You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.


I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.


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