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Lucien: You watch the Discovery Channel? Anthony: Not a lot. Peter: They got some good shit on that channel. Lucien: Every night there is a show with somebody shining a little blue light and finding tiny specks of blood splattered on carpets and walls and ceiling fans, bathroom fixtures and special-edition plastic Burger King tray cups. The next thing they show is some stupid redneck in handcuffs who looks absolutely stunned that this is happening to him. Sometimes the redneck is actually WATCHING the Discovery Channel when they break in to arrest him. And he still can't figure out how on earth they could've caught him! (pauses) Lucien: Psst. Do I look like I wanna be on the Discovery Channel? Anthony: No. Lucien: Then get the fuck outta my shop.


Officer Hanson: Something else funny? Peter: (laughing) People, man... people.


Anthony: Come on now! This is America. Time is money.


Shereen: They think we're Arab. When did Persian become Arab?


Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?


Officer Hanson: I'm trying to help you.
Cameron: I didn't ask for your help, did I?


Officer Ryan: You think you know who you are?
(Officer Hanson nods)
Officer Ryan: You have no idea.


Cameron: (to Anthony) Look at me. You embarrass me. You embarrass yourself.


Anthony: (as he let go all the Asian people that are in the truck) Look, here's 40 bucks. Buy everybody chop suey. You understand?
(an Asian man takes the money and doesn't say anything as he leaves)
Anthony: Dopey fucking Chinaman.


Motorcycle Cop: Calm down, ma'am.
Kim Lee: I am calm.
Motorcycle Cop: I need to see your registration and insurance.
Kim Lee: Why? Not my fault! It's her fault! She do this!
Ria: (approaching) My fault?
Motorcycle Cop: Ma'am, you really need to wait in your vehicle.
Ria: (appraoching) My fault?
Kim Lee: Stop in the middle of street! Mexicans! No know how to drive! She blake too fast!
Ria: I "blake" too fast? I "blake" too fast? I'm sorry, you no see my "blake lights"?
Motorcycle Cop: (to Ria) Ma'am...
Ria: (to Kim Lee) See, I stop when I see long line of cars stop in front of me. Maybe you see over steering wheel, you "blake" too.
Motorcycle Cop: (to Ria) Ma'am...
Ria: Officer, can you please write down in your report how shocked I am to be hit by an Asian driver?


Christine: No, what I need is a husband who will not just stand there, while I'm being molested.


Lara: How far can bullets go?
Daniel: They go pretty far but they usually get stuck in something and stop.
Lara: What if they don't?
Daniel: Are you thinking about that bullet that came through your window?


Gun Store Owner: Andy, get him out of here now!
Dorri: (to Farhad) Go, wait in the car.
Farhad: (to Gun Store Owner) You are ignorant man!
Gun Store Owner: I'm ignorant. You're liberating my country, and I'm flying seven four sevens into your mud huts and incinerating my friends. Get the fuck out of my store!


Jean: Do you want to hear something funny?
Maria: What's that Mrs. Jean?
Jean: You're the best friend I've got.


Jean: I want the locks changed again in the morning.
Rick: You what? Look, why don't you just go lie down, huh? Have you checked on James?
Jean: Well of course I've checked on James. I've checked on him every five minutes since we've been home. Do not patronize me. I want the locks changed again in the morning.
Rick: Shhh. It's ok. Just go to bed, all right?
Jean: (interrupting) You know what, didn't I just tell you not to treat me like a child?
Maria: I'm sorry Mrs. Jean. It's okay?... I go home now?
Rick: It's fine. Thank you very much for staying Maria.
Maria: You're welcome. No problem. Goodnight Mrs. Jean.
Jean: (Rudely) Goodnight.
Rick: (to Maria) We'll see you tomorrow.
Jean: I would like the locks changed again in the morning. And you know what, you might mention that next time we'd appreciate it if they didn't send a gang member...
Rick: A gang member?
Jean: Yes, yes.
Rick: What do you mean? That kid in there?
Jean: Yes. The guy in there with the shaved head, the pants around his ass, the prison tattoos.
Rick: Those are not prison tattoos.
Jean: (Interrupting) Oh really? And he's not gonna go sell our key to one of his gang banger friends the moment he is out our door?
Rick: You've had a really tough night. I think it would be best if you just went upstairs right now and...
Jean: (Interrupting) And what? Wait for them to break in?
Jean: (Yelling) I just had a gun pointed in my face!
Rick: (Agitated) You lower you voice!
Jean: (Yelling) ... and it was my fault because I knew it was gonna happen. But if a white person sees two black men walking towards her and she turns and walks in the other direction, she's a racist, right?
(Furious)
Jean: Well I got scared and I didn't say anything and ten seconds later I had a
(Jabbing her finger into Rick's chest)
Jean: gun in my face. Now I am telling you, your amigo in there is gonna sell our key to one of his homies and this time it'd be really fucking great if you acted like you actually gave a shit!


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