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Security Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, we don't have any openings. Bircham: You don't have any openings for a guy who can put on a blindfold, dismantle an AK-47, oil it up and reassemble it in under four minutes? Security Receptionist: I'm afraid... Bircham: No openings for someone who can slip in under cover of darkness, garrote his target with piano wire, and escape undetected, you don't have any openings for someone like that? Security Receptionist: Sir... Bircham: A man who put his ass on the line for two tours in Vietnam, so you could go home to your lesbian partner, and live in a judgment-free society. No openings for someone like that?


Arthur Johnson: Listen, I've been around this shiny blue marble a few times and i've never met a unisex person. You're an innie or an outie understand? You either got a fishing hole or a fishing pole.It's franks and beans or fish taco, Capiche?


Cammie: And don't hate me for being ugly, I didn't make you that way, God did.


Backwoodsman: Sounds to me like you're low-bred. Special Ed: Bread makes me poop!


Birchum: You're recording this? Well, guess what! I'm recording it too, and I'm gonna put it on basic cable!


Special Ed: Lady, do you play with your vagina? Backwoodsman: Lady, who you callin' a lady when yer talkin' to a man?


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