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Dane Cook: Mario Cantone has a real soft spot for young comedians. It's called his asshole.

Denis Leary: Christopher Walken wanted to be here, but the guest list was limited to people from the fuckin' planet Earth.

Adam Ferrara: I've been to Denis's farm up in Connecticut, or as it's commonly called, "The Neverglad Ranch". If you ever get the chance to go to Learyworld, get the three-day pass. It includes The Whiskey and Water Slide, 20,000 Leagues Under the Influence, Mr. Leary's Angry Ride, and my personal favorite, It's a Small Penis After All. (to Denis) Adam Ferrara: You really are Irish. (Back to the crowd) Adam Ferrara: But the most impressive thing about the place is he paid for it all with Marlboro Miles. While I was there I met his entire family, and there's thousands of them. Pack of nieces and nephews, 7-year-old Learys just looking up at you smokin'. (Looks up, imitates smoking a cigarette, in a high version of Denis's voice) Adam Ferrara: You like Spongebob Squarepants? Huh? I think he's a pussy!

Colin Quinn: (about Kiefer Sutherland being in attendance) You're lucky, uh... you're lucky Kiefer said yes. Otherwise, I'd be here making "Mighty Ducks" jokes at Emilio Estevez.

Adam Ferrara: A new spinoff series will be starring Jeff Garlin on HBO soon. It's called "Curb Your Appetite".

Denis Leary: The only reason why Pete Townshend got busted was because he borrowed Mario Cantone's laptop.

Adam Ferrara: You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.

Nick DiPaolo: Why are we roasting you? You're Irish, shouldn't we be boiling you?

Nick DiPaolo: Lenny Clarke, what, did the Bowflex get lost in the mail? Holy shit. How can you have a coke problem *and* a weight problem? This is unbelievable. What are you snorting, confectionary sugar? Jesus Christ.

Joe Mantegna: (card: "For A 'Special' Friend") I directed you in the film "Lifeboat", let me tell you... I've seen better acting at a Cambodian whorehouse. Now listen to what I'm telling you, you bloated alcoholic leprechaun, you get paid to tell jokes on stage but do you know what the biggest joke is? Your career. You go from starring in features to starring in your own failed sitcom to being roasted on basic cable? That's hilarious, no, it's *fucking* hilarious. And you have the balls to call yourself a comedian? Your material is more dated than Shannen Doherty's twat!

Adam Ferrara: (to Denis) You went from being in a movie with Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman to being in a TV show with Lenny Clarke and me! Next stop, Quaker State.

Dane Cook: Mario Cantone is so gay, that when gay people walk down the street and see him, they're like, "Fag". Mario Cantone: I'm still waiting for you to come out, bitch!

Denis Leary: (after wild applause from the audience when he finally gets up to speak) As my father always said, "Too little, too fuckin' late!"

(Two-word reviews of Denis Leary's movies) Doctor Dré: Ice Age. Ed Lover: Not "Shrek". Doctor Dré: Double Whammy. Ed Lover: Triple crappy. Doctor Dré: Company Man. Ed Lover: You're fired. Doctor Dré: Jesus' Son. Ed Lover: Holy shit. Doctor Dré: The Thomas Crown Affair. Ed Lover: Watch original. Doctor Dré: True Crime. Ed Lover: ...against cinema. Doctor Dré: A Bug's Life. Ed Lover: Call exterminator. Doctor Dré: Wide Awake. Ed Lover: Not us. Doctor Dré: Monument Avenue. Ed Lover: Bad title. Doctor Dré: Wag the Dog. Ed Lover: Dog crap. Doctor Dré: The Matchmaker. Ed Lover: The Craptaker Doctor Dré: Operation: Dumbo Drop. Ed Lover: Operation fuckin' boredom. Doctor Dré: A classic: "The Ref." Ed Lover: Personal foul. Doctor Dré: Judgment Night. Ed Lover: It sucked. Doctor Dré: Demolition Man. Ed Lover: Why, Denis? Doctor Dré: Who's the Man. Ed Lover: Now, that's classic. Doctor Dré: The Sandlot. Ed Lover: The litterbox. Doctor Dré: Loaded Weapon. Ed Lover: Loaded diaper. Doctor Dré: And ladies and gentlemen, the Oscar-winning performance: "Two If By Sea". Ed Lover: Fuck you.

(about "The Job") Mario Cantone: That show was so bad, TiVo would reject the repeats!

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