Chappelle's Show » Quotes (TV Show)

(Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap)
Clayton Bigsby: Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!
Hip-Hop Fan: Did he just call us niggers?... AWESOME!

Black Gallagher: Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, and Orange Stars - that leprechauns' on acid!

Howard Dean: I happen to know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian and not only is his daughter a lesbian but his moms a lesbian and his sisters a lesbian and his old granny has holes in her panties! Byahh! Byahh!
(Cheney continues to talk while Dean interupts)
Howard Dean: Byahh Byahh! I love lesbians! Byahh! I watch The L Word on Showtime! Byahh!

(at the Player Haters Ball)
Silky Johnston: I'm very upset about what you said about my coat. I made it outta your mother's pubic hair.

Rick James: Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!
(women lift up their shirts)
Rick James: The milks gone bad!

Kent Wallace: (Kent Wallace and Jasper are in the gas station and Jasper is paying for gas) Sir, you're a friend. Why not tell him he's African American?
Jasper: Listen man. He's too important to the movement. Tell him that he's black, he would probably kill himself. Just be one less nigger around. His commitment is that deep.
Kent Wallace: I'm overwhelmed by the irony.
Skin Head: (four guys are outside banging on the car and Jasper runs out to the car and save Clayton from trouble) Hey, monkey! You lost, boy!
Skinhead: Run, boy, we don't like your kind around here!
Skin Head: You better get out of here before something bad happens.
Clayton Bigsby: That's right!
(shouts)
Clayton Bigsby: That's right! Tell that nigger. That dirty nigger!
Jasper: Come on, Clayton, we got to go.
Clayton Bigsby: Jasper, there's nigger around here. That damn monkey was beatin' my hood
(then Clayton gets back in the car and they drive off)
Clayton Bigsby: (shouts) White power! Nigger!

(on "Making the Band")
Dylan: I mean, who are da five greatest rappers of all time?
(counting on his fingers)
Dylan: Dylan... Dylan... Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

Tron: Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight.

(the Haters are time traveling)
Silky Johnson: Reach for the sky, honky!
Slave Master: Honky?
Silky Johnson: "Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the 1970s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie.

(after the making fun of the WB frog)
Dave Chappelle: Man! Fuck that frog!

(R. Kelly jury selection hearing)
Dave Chappelle: Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state.
(shouts)
Dave Chappelle: On the State! You have got to prove - *to me* - beyond a reasonable doubt whether or not this man is a pisser.
Prosecutor: Aren't your doubts unreasonable?
Dave Chappelle: No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had 500 people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right? How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap!
(pounds hand on witness stand)
Dave Chappelle: (shouts) I want justice! You're out of order, Miss!
(grabs judge's gavel and begins to pound)
Dave Chappelle: (shouts) This whole goddamn court is out of order. Everybody!
Prosecutor: (after whispering to her partner) Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.
Dave Chappelle: (pees on prosecutors while seated at the witness stand) And that's from the heart!

Real Rick James: I must be losin' my mind. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kickin' my ass. Ain't that a b.

(singing)
Tron: There are! I say there are so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaa! I can only choose one! I can only choose ooooooone! I plead the fif! I plead the fif! FIVE! 1,2,3,4, fiiiif! Anything you say! FIIIF! Go ahead and ask me a question!
Senator: How do...
Tron: Fif! I like to show all of you a secret document!
(pulls out a piece of paper saying "FiF")
Tron: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiif!

(after Rick James has slapped him for no particular reason)
Charlie Murphy: I'm standing there I'm thinking, "This nigga really has lost his fucking mind." First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!

(Tron having dinner with police after turning self in)
Police Commisioner: Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community.
Tron: I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Nino Brown, baby!
Police Commisioner: Of course!
Tron: (dignified) But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?
Police Commisioner: (holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely) Ab-sol-ute-ly not!
Police Commisioner: (winks)
Tron: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad.