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Constable Slobotham: Just a minute Mr Potter, where were you last night?
Albert: My bed.
Constable Slobotham: Any witnesses to corroborate that?
Albert: My landlady.
Constable Slobotham: Who?
Albert: She came up with a bottle.
Constable Slobotham: Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you're lodging in.
Albert: She always comes up with a hot water bottle.
Constable Slobotham: Sarge, it's just possible he and the landlady are in collusion
Albert: Don't be disgusting, she's over 60.

Constable Slobotham: (Running into the police lab with Albert) Here sarge, we've got a lead!
Albert: This note was pushed through my letterbox
(reading from the note)
Albert: If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience.
(hands the note to Bung)
Constable Slobotham: Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?
Det Sgt. Bung: (Examining the note) Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - Come on!

Dr. Watt: They would have to come tonight, just when I'm feeling half dead!

Emily Bung: You haven't taken me out for ages
Det Sgt. Bung: Don't exaggerate, we went out a couple of months ago, had a lovely time.
Emily Bung: You call that lovely, my poor mother's funeral.
Det Sgt. Bung: Well I enjoyed it!

Mr. Jones: What difference does it make whose bed it was.
Constable Slobotham: Might make a difference to someone.

(Slobotham and Bung have found Emily in the crate)
Constable Slobotham: Sarge, she's as hard as a rock!
Det Sgt. Bung: You don't have to tell me that, I've been married to her for fifteen years!

Emily Bung: Either that phone goes or I go, I can promise you that!
Det Sgt. Bung: Promises, promises - always promises!

Dr. Watt: Frying tonight!

Det Sgt. Bung: (Watching the revived Doris sit up) I don't believe it!
(Reaches out to her)
Albert: (Forcing Bung's hand away) Don't you dare!
Det Sgt. Bung: I only wanted to see if she was hard or soft!

Dr. Watt: Oddbodd, what happened to your ear?
(Oddbodd makes a gesture that his ear has dropped off)
Dr. Watt: Oh, never mind. Ear today, gone tomorrow!

Det Sgt. Bung: I came here to perform a duty!
Valeria: Well, get on with it! I haven't got all night, you know.

Constable Slobotham: I'm a police officer and I must warn you that I'll take down anything you say.
Dan Dann: Alright then, trousers.

Det Sgt. Bung: Now then, your name please.
Dr. Watt: Doctor Watt.
Constable Slobotham: Doctor who, sir?
Dr. Watt: Watt. "Who" was my uncle, or was - I haven't seen him in ages!.

Valeria: Why don't we do what they did to your friend Dracula, drive a spike through his heart.
Dr. Watt: No , I don't really feel like driving tonight.

Constable Slobotham: Happen to know what Doris was wearing?
Albert: Yes, a sort of white frilly jacket with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.
Det Sgt. Bung: Did you get that down.
Albert: Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.
Det Sgt. Bung: I was talking to my assistant!

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