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Matt: Yesterday, I was fine. I mean, physically speaking, I was fine. But today? I'm not fine. This morning at the coffee shop they were unofficially sponsoring Hot Women Wearing No Bras Day.

Mandy: (Mandy describes to Matt the importance of women's power of abstinence) Women have been doing this since, well, forever, so we know all about the power. See, us having the power, that's part of the system, and by you taking the power, you're fucking with the system. And I think you see why we can't let that happen.

Nicole: Hey, Bagel Guy.
The Bagel Guy: You know my name?

Matt: You gotta help me. You gotta light a candle for me or something.
John Sullivan: I'm not lighting a candle so you can feel better about getting laid!

Susie: (after Matt badly fakes an orgasm) What the fuck was that?
Matt: W-what?
Susie: Did you cum?
Matt: Yeah.
Susie: No you didn't. You faked it.
Matt: No, no, no. What're you... Guys don't fake it. I don't even think that we can.
Susie: You faked it.

Matt: Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing giving relationship advice?
John Sullivan: Relationship advice, yes - sex advice, no. Part of the priestly thing - and stop calling it that - is not to have sex, remember?
Matt: Now, it's funny - I didn't say a thing about sex.
John Sullivan: Sure you did.
Matt: No, I didn't. I guess thinking about sex *is* part of the priestly thing - at least for some.
John Sullivan: Get out.
Matt: Fine.

(to Matt on why he should tell Erica about his vow)
Ryan: Dude, you got to tell her. Seriously. You can pass off two dates without a kiss as old fashioned - you go three and you're a homo.

Jerry Anderson: I've jerked off three times since lunch. I still got this fucking hard-on.
Mikey: Way to go, Mr. Anderson. Two more and you break the company record.

Walter Sullivan: They're grown men. I mean, they're old enough to know that their mother's machine is still running hot.

Matt: You stupid, stupid... silly little person.

Erica: If I told you, "Don't think about the color red", what would you think about?
Matt: Sex.

Bagel Guy: (Unaware he's talking to Matt about his former girlfriend) Whew, I can't believe it because that girl, you can't even look right at her. She's so hot you need one of those cardboard eclipse-watching things just to look directly at her, she's so radiantly hot! It makes me want to just throw her down, you know, and just
(hip-thrusts the table before him)
Bagel Guy: . You know what I mean? I'm glad we can connect on that.

Erica: It's been really fun almost chatting with you. Same time next week?

Matt: (bursting into his brother's chamber) You gotta help me!
John Sullivan: You gotta knock!
Matt: I'm seeing things! I swear to God, everywhere I look I'm seeing tits and ass. When I came in here, I swear to God, I thought I saw you kissing a nun. Oh, my God! You *were* kissing a nun!

Ryan: So you're not into her?
Matt: Oh, I'm totally into her.
Ryan: So how can you not want to fuck her?

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