The Jack Benny Program » Quotes (TV Show)

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(Our heroes enter a jungle clearing carrying a tiger on a pole) Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they? 'Clyde': I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble.

(repeated line) Jack: Now, cut that out!

Jack Benny: (on the phone with Mary Livingston) Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger. (Mary hangs up the phone) Jack Benny: Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.

Don Wilson: Rochester, you sing, don't you? Rochester: Anything but Soprano.

Jack: (pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers) I'm going to blow your brains out. (Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head) Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.

(our heroes have been captured by a tribe on cannibals, and are standing in a large pot) Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened. 'Clyde': Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever? Jack: No, I just want to reach 40. 'Clyde': Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.

Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal? 'Clyde': General Electric.

Jack: (Pointing to the tiger) He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark. 'Clyde': I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.

Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle. 'Clyde': Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away. Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath. 'Clyde': Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.

Bob: (about Bing Crosby) He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.

Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network. (mouths ABC)

(Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers) Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.

Don Wilson: (Poking his head through the curtains) Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants? Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine. Bob Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants? Jack: (out of shot) Darn right I am.

Jack: (poking his head through the stage curtains) Bob, will you please give me my pants back? Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.

Bob Hope: (finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers) When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.

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