Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler. Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. (awkward laughter) Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Officer Franklin: (to Alan) Not you, fat Jesus.
Mr. Chow: (as he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap) Toodooloo, motherfuckers!
Mr. Chow: You wanna fuck on me?
Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil. Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out. Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up. Tracy Garner: What are you talking about? Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug. Tracy Garner: What? Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug. Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*. Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that? Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite? Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look. (laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating) Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis. Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro. Alan Garner: (stops the baby) Not at the table, Carlos.
Alan Garner: (while picking up Phil at the school where he works) Did you have to park so close? Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong? Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here. Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan? Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
Phil Wenneck: (his answering machine message) Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you. Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better. Phil Wenneck: (yells from outside) Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot! Stu Price: I should go. Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
Stu Price: (playing piano and singing passionately) What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, (stops suddenly) Stu Price: well then we're shit out of luck.
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him. Doug Billings: Understood. Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question? Lisa: Sure. Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it? Lisa: What do you mean? Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here? Lisa: No. Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
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