Marty Huggins: Bring your brooms cause it's a mess.
Cam Brady: (as Cam sees Marty trying to open the door) Push it.
Mitch: Push it.
Marty Huggins: Push it, push it real good?
Cam Brady: My heart is pounding. Like a phone book in a dryer.
Cam Brady: I heard your nickname was Tickleshits in high school, I'm gonna see if it's true!
(tackles Huggins and starts to tickle him)
Marty Huggins: (starts to giggle)
Tim Wattley: Don't you dare shit your pants, Marty!
Cam Brady: You get my son to call you daddy. I *fuck* your wife!
Mitch: (to Cam) What are you pointin' to there, you got a book of bad ideas?
Cam Brady: People are taking this thing entirely out of context. Mitch: No. You did punch that baby. Cam Brady: Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby? I can barely make a fist!
(repeated line) Tim Wattley: I'm here to make you not suck.
Mr. Mendenhall: (everyone is confessing the truth after Marty Huggins' campaign ad) I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree house. Mrs. Mendenhall: I'm your twin sister.
Cam Brady: (on answering machine) Hey Shana. It's congressman Cam Brady here. I just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak. I wish I was eating Shana pussy. Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper and it hurts like a motherfucker. What else? Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers. And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom. All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.
Glenn Motch: (after Marty Huggins' ad where he tells the truth) I tried to kill you in your sleep. Wade Motch: Huh?
Chris Matthews: Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again. He just punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film "The Artist".
Cam Brady: (Cam Brady has just left an offensive message on a family's answering machine) By being in the same room as that machine, the kids became consenting adults! And this is 2012, who still has an answering machine in this day and age? In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls and maybe 1,000 of them are obscene! That's a very small percentage.
Marty Huggins: Well, I'll tell you this. I'll make you proud. I will. I'll make you - I'll make you real proud. Raymond Huggins: I'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening. Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye. But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit. Marty Huggins: Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.
Dylan Huggins: I go to the mall and take pictures up women's skirts. I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed. Marty Huggins: Oh god... Clay Huggins: One time I shoved a firefly up my butt hole. Marty Huggins: Why? Clay Huggins: To make my farts glow.