Alex Rieger: (to his now-fat ex-wife, at their daughter's wedding) Remember, you haven't lost a daughter - you've gained a ton.
Louie De Palma: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office? Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!
Elaine Nardo: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from? "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your Castle, and your Prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but... Elaine Nardo: You are truly a sweet decent man. "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Once there was a time when that was enough.
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: (as a traveling salesman) I'm "Fill in your name," but you can call me "Nickname."
Latka Gravas: Thank you very much!
Elaine Nardo: (Louie has just admitted his mother needs an operation) What's wrong with her? Louie De Palma: Female problems, she's starting not to look like one.
Latka Gravas: (after his paper marriage, his "wife" runs off) No honeymoon? Alex Rieger: No, Latka. Latka Gravas: America's a tough town.
Vivian Harrow: (Elaine is trying to convince a hooker to look nice for her paper marriage to Latka) Honey, I've been everything from Little Bo Peep to Darth Vader.
(explaining to his mother in a flashback scene why he wants to move to America) Latka Gravas: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson! Latka's Mother: Who is O.J.Simpson? Latka Gravas: The JUICE!
Louie De Palma: That dame is older than the Continental Shelf!
Louie De Palma: Some men climb mountains, others date 'em!
Louie De Palma: Huskies, I hate 'em.
Louie De Palma: He'll be back... they all come back... the only one who never came back was James Caan... and I'm still waitin'!
Alex Rieger: I'm going to die as I've lived, wearing a green shirt, a catcher's mask, and dancing the can can.
Alex Rieger: Jim, when I said you were a flake, I meant you'd done some weird things. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Name one. Alex Rieger: You lived in a condemned building for five years. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: You're confusing flakiness with style! Alex Rieger: You kept a horse named Gary in your bedroom. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Not everyone has a guest room, Alex.