Captain of Guards: (to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods) You there! Ogre!
Captain of Guards: (to both Shrek and Donkey) By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.
Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?
(the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same)
Lord Farquaad: (to his knights) The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius?
(Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass)
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: (nervous) Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad: Go on...
Lord Farquaad: (Shrek has barged into the tournament) Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
(all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek)
Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
(holds up a friendly mug, to no avail)
Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!
(He bursts one of the ale barrels)
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona... she's perfect!
Princess Fiona: (after Shrek and Donkey rescue her) The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no...
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I... have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: (bangs his head) What? That wasn't in the job description!
The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk!
Princess Fiona: No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...
The Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes!
(Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter)
Princess Fiona: What is so funny?
Shrek: Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?
Princess Fiona: Fare thee well, ogre.
(leaves with Farquaad)
Princess Fiona: Shrek? I'm... I'm worried about Donkey, he doesn't look so good...
Donkey: What you talking about? I feel fine!
Princess Fiona: Well, that's what they always say, and then, and then, and then next thing you know you're on your back!
(Donkey leers at Fiona)
Princess Fiona: ...Dead!
Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!
Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey: An ogre?
Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey: Where're you going?
Shrek: To get... more firewood.
(Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood)
(Shrek is hit by an arrow)
Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona: (grabs Donkey) Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.
Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!
(Fiona and Donkey run, Shrek grabs a sword)
Shrek: I'll take care of the Dragon...
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
(Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre)
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
(Shrek and Fiona kiss)
Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!