Mauricio: That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.
(Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls) Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two. Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.
Mauricio: Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go. Hal: (laughing) What are you talking about? Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place. Hal: What thing? Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here. (Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor) Hal: What are you doing? Mauricio: I am rescuing you. Hal: From what? Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!
(Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women) Mauricio: What in the name of all that is holy?
Tony Robbins: You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we can't talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was. Hal: All the time. (Tony Robbins puts his hands on Hal's head) Tony Robbins: (yells) DEVILS COME OUT! Hal: What the hell are you doing banana hands? Tony Robbins: Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I won't do that again. Hal: Ok, I didn't mean the banana hands thing. Tony Robbins: That's ok.
(Jill has just propositioned Hal) Hal: You know, there are a few times in a guy's life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he's been doing and be with any woman who'll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he's missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?
Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money. Rosemary: I never read that book. Hal: What book? Rosemary: Things losers say.
Walt: Don't you read the business section? Hal: Why, what's up? Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft! Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up? Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.
(after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair) Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway? Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.
Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.
(after Mauricio broke Hal's spell) Hal: Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world? Mauricio: Wonder Woman. Hal: Okay... let's say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly. Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong. Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knock out, I don't care what anybody else saw! Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?
Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.
Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it? Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards? Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league. Hal: What's that supposed to mean? Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking. Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.
(Walt puts on a pair of rubber gloves) Nurse Tanya Peeler: What are those for? Walt: You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?