opening theme song: Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Life is unfair...
Craig Feldspar: (Lois and other Lucky Aid employees are chasing a squirrel inside the store, that bit Craig) Look out, he's headed for the door! (sobbing loudly) Craig Feldspar: He's got murder in his eyes, and a cute fluffy tail!
Hal: (Bursts into the boys room) Who wants to make 5 bucks? Malcolm: How? Lois: (background) Oh my God! Malcolm: What did you do? Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked! Lois: (background) Oh my GOD! Malcolm: Make it 10. Hal: OK. You're a good son. Lois: (background) OH MY GOD! Hal: (grabs Malcolm and opens the door) Don't worry honey. I got him!
Reese: (singing amazing grace) Amazing race, how sweet the tast, that saved a wretch for me. I once was in the lost and found, was blind but found my keys.
Reese: Guys! Guys! I just made an amazing discovery! When you mix blue and yellow together, you get a totally new colour! I call it... Blellow!
Malcolm: Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you? Dewey: Take me to the ice rink! Reese: Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there. Dewey: But they have good hotdogs. Reese: No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones. Dewey: Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*? Reese: I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something. Malcolm: Okay, back inside the box.
(the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty) Reese: For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head... (a watermelon with eggs for eyes) Reese: ... the torso... (a garbage bag full of sausages) Craig Feldspar: What are those? (points to a bag of plums) Reese: You know what those are.
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Jessica: So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet! Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away! Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street! Malcolm: The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.
Lois: (about her parents) But at least we can be happy when they're gone. Malcolm: You mean when they drive back to Alaska? Lois: Yeah. That's what I meant.
Reese: Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday? Dewey: Yeah. Reese: Well. Here. (gives him a backpack) Reese: Happy birthday! Dewey: I already have a backpack. Reese: Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I'm trying to give you something nice. Dewey: But I'm not gonna take it. Reese: Here, just hold it. Dewey: No. Reese: (pushes Dewey in his mattress) Why won't you let me do something nice? You're gonna wear this and there's nothing you can do about it!
Reese: I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning. I mean... Dewey: I drank that milk! I licked the bowl! I hate you!
Hal: Lois, I keep finding your mother's teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?
Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping? Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers. Dewey: Mine do.
Lois: Mom, you hate boy bands, right? Grandma Ida: They're making a living. Give 'em a break.