(Beaver and Larry are having a picnic at Friends Lake) Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Larry, how come food tastes better when your eatin' it outside? Larry Mondello: I don't know. Maybe 'cause if you drop something, nobody's gonna' holler at ya' for gettin' dirt dirty.
(Ward has opened the car door for June to enter) June Cleaver: Thank you dear. It's so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years. Ward Cleaver: Your very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You wanna' mess around later? Larry Mondello: I can't, I'm grounded. Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come? Larry Mondello: My father caught me eating pie in bed.
Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything. Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that? Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.
(Entry in Beaver's diary) Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home.
(June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs) Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about? Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs. June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
(Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs) June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner. Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don't want him hollerin' at me again. (June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange) June Cleaver: (sheepishly) Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn't know you were home. Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.
Eddie Haskell: (Beaver thinks he isn't going to graduate from 8th grade) Hey, that's tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this. Wally Cleaver: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don't think you want to be taking advice from Eddie. Eddie Haskell: Are you kidding? I've been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.
Fred Rutherford: (Wally and Eddie's prank on Lumpy has backfired) Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off? Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that? Fred Rutherford: It just seems like something you would do.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.
Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.
Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.
Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon. Wally Cleaver: I don't get that. Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (Ward wants to see Beaver in the den) Is Dad mad? Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but Mom's in there.