Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son? Phil Weston: Yeah.
Mike Ditka: (to the Tigers team) This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over... Phil Weston: Don't get emotional... Mike Ditka: When it's over... Phil Weston: (echoing him) When it's over... Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! Phil Weston: Champions! Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt! Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun' The Tigers: (all chant) One, two, three, Let's Have Fun! Mike Ditka: (to Phil, mocking) 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Phil Weston: Ambrose Ambrose: Yeah? Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week? Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game. Phil Weston: LIAR!
Phil Weston: All right Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh. I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someones collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medics for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Barbara Weston: (trying to comfort an anguished Phil) Phil, I love you...
Phil Weston: (crying) What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?
Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?
Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?
(kicks Mark into the swimming pool)
Phil Weston: (crying to Ditka) I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!
Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
(Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out)
Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.
Phil Weston: Ambrose
Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
Phil Weston: LIAR!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
(she walks off with Donna)
Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Phil Weston: (to Mark) How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
Massimo: (after Sam keeps falling over) Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
Phil Weston: (after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball) C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!