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"If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let 'em. That's how I got here, you know."


"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant."


To those who felt he joked his way through songs during concert and nightclub appearences: "You wanna hear it straight, buy the album."


Upon filing for divorce from his second wife: "I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman."


On Joey Bishop: Most people think of Joey Bishop as just a replacement for Johnny Carson. That's NOT true. We in show business know better: we don't think of him at ALL.


On Phyllis Diller: Phyllis is the women of about whom Picasso once said, "Somebody throw a drop cloth over that."


On Frank Sinatra: In high school, Frank never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist.


On James Stewart: There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.


On his tee-total friend Pat Boone: "I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!"


"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day."


"I can't stand an actor or actress who tells me acting is hard work. It's easy work. Anyone who says it isn't never had to stand on his feet all day dealing blackjack."


"Motivation is a lotta crap."


"Someone else, would have laid around, feeling sorry for himself, for a year. But Duke, he just doesn't know, how to be sick ... he's recuperating the hard way. He's two loud speaking guys in one. Me, when people see me, they sometimes say, 'Oh, there goes Perry Como.' But there's only one 'John Wayne', and nobody makes any mistakes about that." - On The Sons of Katie Elder (1965)


(on singer Eddie Fisher) The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.


(on Frank Sinatra) When he dies, they're giving his zipper to the Smithsonian.


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