Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas. Henry Baker: Jesus died on Easter, Barbie! Jessica Baker: Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron.
Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob. Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom. Kate: Yeah that's weird.
Kate: Look alive.
Tom: (when Kate leaves) I have done it, she is gone! Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!
(kids stare blankly)
Tom: C'mon, Dad's in charge now, you can... eat candy for breakfast, sleep in, wear shoes in the house, it'll be great!
(kids continue to stare blankly. Tom finally gives up)
Tom: Yeah, I know, let's go inside.
Hank: So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?
(Tom and Kate looking shocked)
Tom: (after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor) You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.
Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?
Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.
Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good.
Jessica Baker: (about Mark) Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: (Sweeping Kate onto the bed) I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: (Rushing from the room) Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: (Between kisses) Can you hurry?
Kate: You need a paramedic?
Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.