(speaking of a character in a play he has seen) Mortimer Brewster: He sits there just *waiting* to be trussed up and gagged! (laughs) Mortimer Brewster: The big dope!
(last lines) Mortimer Brewster: No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge! (he runs off across the cemetary) Cab Driver: And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot!
Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense. Mortimer Brewster: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence? Dr. Einstein: (agonizing) How can anybody be so stupid!
Elaine Harper: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too. Mortimer Brewster: One thing at a time!
Mortimer Brewster: This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that! Elaine Harper: (Adoring) Yes, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene? Elaine Harper: (Adoring) No, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh... (He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office)
Teddy Brewster: (His first line) I must be catching cold. Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt? Abby Brewster: Oh, no. Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it. Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
(Discussing the body count) Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve. (Angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie) Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen! Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag. Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona... Dr. Einstein: Phoenix? Jonathan Brewster: The filling station... Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh! (Slits throat) Dr. Einstein: Yes. Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia! Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him! Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt? Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got? Teddy Brewster: Rooster! Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do? Teddy Brewster: Crows. Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa? Teddy Brewster: On the veldt! Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt! Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Mortimer Brewster: Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
Mortimer Brewster: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them. Aunt Abby Brewster: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
Elaine Harper: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next. Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here? (pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper) Elaine Harper: Well how do you like that... Mr. Gibbs: I read that there was a room for rent here... Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
Martha Brewster: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
Teddy Brewster: Mr. Witherfork! Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon! (Mortimer hands him a spoon)